Going on a Shidduch Date to be Nice??!!
I came across a blog discussion on the topic of shidduchim. The discussion was about being picky, and one blogger wrote:
"I personaly know some guys who have went out when they knew it was not nogeia and did it not to insult the girl."
It sounds very nice, BUT:
By declining an offer to go out with a girl, you may indeed be hurting her feelings, and that is unfortunate. But by going out with a girl you have no intention of taking seriously, you are not being nice!!
Aside from the fact that it is geneyvas daas, and the fact that you are wasting her time; you are risking getting her emotionally involved before you go on to reject her anyway. Even if she does not get emotionally involved, you are getting her expectations up before you go on to reject her anyway as you planned to all along. Either way, your agreeing to go out with her has served only to enhance the discomfort that she is going to feel when you decline to see her further.
If you have no intentions of taking an offer seriously, potentially to the end, you are doing the girl a favor by declining the offer.
posted by Dr Sooll at 11:28 PM
7 Comments:
something even worse ive heard discussed
is boys going out with girls they know are not nogeah just for FUN
if the shidduch system is abused, either because of what u have named, or the problem i raised... the system will fail as a whole.
it only works when used properly.. so these peple risk ruining something very important
30/7/06 2:13 AM
Going out with a girl one has no intention of taking seriously for fun, is a whole separate matter.
The original post was directed towards individuals who have the best interests of the suggested at heart, and whose intentions are good, be they counterproductive.
30/7/06 10:50 AM
as usuall, good post. i must admit this has crossed my mind a number of times.. i always thought i would feel bad to tell the person i didnt like them. but as usuall you put it into a totally different perspective. nice job!
31/7/06 4:01 AM
maybe youll grow to like them?
31/7/06 7:33 AM
Cummon man, how often does a nice Chassidishe bochur have a justified excuse to hang out with a girl!!!
JK... I think I'm with you on this one.
31/7/06 8:55 AM
Dov,
The whole point of the dating phase of the shidduch process is to see if you can grow to like someone that is nogeah i.e. research indicates that everything works on paper, and all that needs to be ascertained is whether there is 'chemistry'.
If however, one does research and decides that an individual does not have the qualities or character traits that they require in their spouse, growing to like the other individual is grossly counterproductive. The entire purpose of the shidduch system is to prevent people from growing to like individuals that are not nogeah. To prevent undesirable emotional attachment to individuals one knows they should not marry for whatever reason, before they end up in messy relationships.
31/7/06 1:55 PM
nemo- u think?!
1/8/06 10:07 PM
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