Checking out.......

As much as I have thoroughly enjoyed keeping this blog, it has been consuming too much time that I can ill afford and other commitments are suffering. Despite my desire to keep writing, I have a responsibility to give my other commitments the time they deserve and require, so I have to take an extended break from posting.

For any one who is just discovering this blog, feel free to browse through previous posts. They were not intended specifically for the time at which they were written, and are not obsolete. They are still as relevant as they were when written, so feel free to check them out.


I would like to thank all those that have contributed to discussions and made this blog more than just a presentation of some of my thoughts, I hope something useful has come out of it.

What about if I can 'just talk' ?

Comment:
"ive spoken to girls many times without those thoughts goin through my head. and whats the big deal? just like u hold yourself back from talking to them, i hold myself back from acting on it. both are hard. both call for restraint.

Response:
Many things are forbidden by Jewish law. There are actions that one is forbidden to perform, things one is forbidden to say, and thoughts that one is forbidden to entertain. Many forbidden actions are tempting and observance of the prohibitions may be quite challenging, however if the will-power is present one can abstain from action -similarly, one can abstain from speech.

Prohibited thought is often considered to be the hardest to avoid, as where speech and action can be completely halted, the thought process of a human occurs continuously without pause whilst conscious. As long as one is awake, he/she can not simply stop thinking but can only direct the course that their thought follows. Even this direction can at times be challenging, and often when trying not to think about something specific, one tends to find themselves thinking about that particular thing, or at least about not thinking about that thing (which is indirectly still thinking about that thing).

Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (The Classic Guide to Jewish Law) states (ch. 151 par. 2) that any thought that is any way carnal in nature, is prohibited. The continuous and dynamic nature of the human mind means that inappropriate thoughts may enter one’s head involuntarily, and the occurrence of these thoughts is one of man’s challenges and is not a sin as long as one diverts the direction of their thought immediately. However to entertain the thought once it occurs or to voluntarily initiate such thought, is to transgress a prohibition.

In any continuous inter-gender relationship where there is even a slight possibility or mere hypothetical potential for intimate physical interaction, sooner or later an inappropriate thought will pop into one’s head. Even be it a brief, short-lived thought that is entirely unrealistic, because the occurence of the thought is a direct outcome of a scenario the individual has voluntarily chosen to submit themselves to, it could have been avoided and is thus a transgression of the prohibition against carnal thought.

Also, keep in mind that this is all assuming that one will never submit to the temptation for unsanctioned physical interaction. It may seem that one will not ever be realistically tempted to transgress such prohibitions, after all “This is a serious issue, and it is one of those lines that I would never cross.” But many have made this mistake in the past. Every reproductively mature human has an intrinsic unavoidable weakness in this area. As Anonym00kie has pointed out (in a comment to the previous post), the temptation is cumulative and no matter how strong one is, it is only a matter of time before it becomes overpowering. It can happen gradually - over months or even years so that one will never notice it happening, but it is part of the nature of the animal kingdom and it is unavoidable.

What's the big deal about talking anyway?

Query:
"...why is it that guys cant talk to girls before marraige (and girls to guys?). i understand you think that touching is an act of intamacy, etc, which i guess does make sence - but why not just talking? (p.s. im not religious, and trying to understand)"

Response:
Biologically, the sole purpose of any individual organism is to ensure the continuation of its species, and every organism has been endowed with particular instincts and mechanisms that enable it to fulfill this role. In the animal kingdom, nutrition is ensured by the discomfort experienced during hunger, respiration by the pain of suffocation, and the list goes on. One does not actually experience a desire for nutrients when hungry or the need for oxygen when suffocating, merely the desire to eat or to breathe. Likewise, all animals experience an urge to engage in activities associated with the continuation of their species i.e. procreation, and because the need to reproduce if the most biologically fundamental, the urge to engage in the associated activities reigns supreme.

Being intellectual animals and creatures of imagination, humans have a tendency to take the basic natural urges that all animals have far beyond the limits required by the basic biological functions that they serve. The desire to eat to satisfy hunger is exaggerated supporting a multi-billion dollar (biologically unnecessary) culinary industry, and the need to defend oneself against predators has been grossly distorted, resulting in wars the likes of which are unheard of outside of the human species. Likewise, the extent to which the human mind can extrapolate the desire to engage in procreative activity is virtually endless.

Such activity (reproductive) is not only allowed but is encouraged in Judaism, and raising a family is a fundamental element is service of G-d. However as with all activities, there are guidelines. The observance of not only monogamy but extra-marital celibacy is paramount in Judaism, and whilst encouraged, procreative activity must take place within the boundaries of marriage. Being so, and being that it is an intrinsic element of man’s constitution that he has an colossal weakness for woman (and vice versa), it is important that individuals of opposite genders avoid at all costs, any scenario that might create temptation for unsanctioned physical interaction.

So why can’t we talk???

A wise man once said:
If a man and a woman are together in a scenario where they could potentially engage in carnal activity and nothing – not even a flash of such thought passes through either of their heads at all, then there is a serious problem.
(-I’m not sure of the original source of the statement, but it is certainly on the mark)

Essentially there is nothing wrong with talking to individuals of the opposite gender, and certainly not with politely greeting one another or stopping to help with directions (etc.). However if two such individuals do have a relationship on a person level, the likelihood that neither will ever experience any form of imagined carnal thought whatsoever –even be it completely unrealistic, is extremely slim.

Indeed the majority of such thoughts when they do occur do not result in subsequent action. However due to the extent of the natural urge and the resulting temptation, as well as the importance of the prohibition, extra-marital inter-gender relationships on a personal level are strongly discouraged.

This issue is relevant both for single and married individuals However it is often emphasized more for those who are single; as being unmarried, their only acceptable response to such temptation is complete and total self-control. To successfully exercise this degree self-control consistently in the face of such temptation would be an immense challenge, and the realistic probability of a prohibition being transgressed by a single individual is far greater

Platonic Relationships

Stimulus:

A blog discussion about platonic inter-gender relationships where arguments were made based on the following quotes:

“V’al tarbeh sichah im ha’isha” (Pirkei Avos 1,5)

“And do not engage in excessive conversation with the woman”

“Vehamistakel afillu b’etzbah ketanah shel isha”(Even Ha’ezer 21,1)

(A prohibition against) “One who looks even at the little finger of a woman”

My Take:

Quotes in general, and particularly from Torah, must remain in context. The stipulation that a man may not look even at a woman's little finger is qualified as applying specifically when looking would be associated with carnal pleasure.

The fact is that members of both genders are permitted to be in public, and men are not required to wear blindfolds. If however a man is particularly sensitive to the sight of any part of a woman’s body, he is obligated to avoid any such exposure.

The abovementioned Mishnah clearly forbids excessive conversation between men and women, but do keep in mind that "Excessive conversation" is relative. Perhaps a reason for the ambiguity is that the exact location where the line must be drawn is variable for different individuals. Whilst a halachah may not be dismissed because one feels they are above it or that the reason does not apply to them, when a halachah is stated ambiguously lechatchilah, the halachah itself is leaving room for interpretation based on personal standing. This interpretation requires extreme caution and absolute honesty with one's self, combined with direction from a reliable Rav or Mashpiah.

Shulchan aruch states: "Tzarich Ha'adam l'hisrachek me'hanashim meod meod" (Even Ha'ezer 21,1). The shulchan aruch continues to list things that are forbidden under the umbrella of this halacha and includes 'flirting.' It does not forbid merely talking to a woman, nor does it forbid being polite or greeting a neighbor.

Consider a scenario where one knows of a mixed Jewish social event where there will be a large number of young adults who may be receptive to inspirational divrei Torah, but as of yet there are none planned and the event is purely social. I do not think it would be out of place for an individual who is comfortable that they will not suffer any downfalls as a result of attending the event, to go and present divrei Torah.

Of course it is necessary that the individual be absolutely certain in their belief that they are strong enough, and have the approval of their Rav or Mashpiah. But if one is honestly certain; is it in the best interest of avodas Hashem to have all the Yidden at the event miss out on divrei Torah and eat from zivchei mesim - the sacrifices of idols (Pirkei Avos 3,3) ? **

In the order of the world we currently live in, to spread the light of Torah and increase the volume of Torah and Mitzvos being observed, it is at times necessary that one interact with members of the opposite gender -obviously within the boundaries of halacha.

In a personal inter-gender relationship where there is no specific avodas Hashem-related intention, one has to ask themselves why they are entering into it, platonic or not. After all it does say in shulchan aruch that man must distance himself from woman very very much.

**Care must be taken that one is not providing an excuse for an unsanctioned event by presenting divrei Torah. There have been precarious scenarios where anti-religious organizations may have used the presence of divrei Torah to support their competition with frum organizations.

Above Nature??!!

Comment:

All this stuff about Jews being above nature is nice but, "at the end of the day we live in a natural world. hashem subjected us to nature."

Response:

Nature is a creation G-d uses to mask His active role in our day to day lives. The purpose of this creation is that we should live in a natural world where Hashem has committed us to a lifetime of circumstances that are subject to nature, hence there is a prohibition against relying on miracles. Given that nature is a creation and the Jewish people (individually and collectively) have a direct personal connection to its Creator, for a Jew ‘laws of nature’ exist only in the context that laws were made to be broken.

The only thing preventing the realisation of ends that may be unlikely or even impossible according to nature, is a lack of desire for such an occurrence on the part of nature’s Creator. Our live connection to the Almighty who is continuously controlling nature, gives us the ability to request and achieve things that would not usually occur within the confines of the creation called nature. All it takes is to arouse within the Creator a desire to provide what we want/need.

As Hashem’s children, our desires are His desires as long as we ensure that His disposition towards us is favourable. When we are not in His ‘good books,’ we end up in perilous situations where for the sake of our people, we require Him to change the course of nature as He has graciously done for us many times in the past. We just need to re-align his desire with ours.

U’Teshuvah U’Tefillah U’Tzedakah Ma’avirin Es Roa Hagezairah

But Repentance, Prayer, and Charity avert the severity of the decree!!

Going on a Shidduch Date to be Nice??!!

I came across a blog discussion on the topic of shidduchim. The discussion was about being picky, and one blogger wrote:

"I personaly know some guys who have went out when they knew it was not nogeia and did it not to insult the girl."


It sounds very nice, BUT:

By declining an offer to go out with a girl, you may indeed be hurting her feelings, and that is unfortunate. But by going out with a girl you have no intention of taking seriously, you are not being nice!!


Aside from the fact that it is geneyvas daas, and the fact that you are wasting her time; you are risking getting her emotionally involved before you go on to reject her anyway. Even if she does not get emotionally involved, you are getting her expectations up before you go on to reject her anyway as you planned to all along. Either way, your agreeing to go out with her has served only to enhance the discomfort that she is going to feel when you decline to see her further.

If you have no intentions of taking an offer seriously, potentially to the end, you are doing the girl a favor by declining the offer.

Need War? -Response to Comment Re: Previous Post -" Stop The Carnage In Eretz Yisroel!!!"

Comment:
"we need war? are you normal? we are talking about LIVES here! HUMAN LIVES!!! there is never an excuse to take away a life - isnt that what you religious people belive?"

Response:
You are absolutely right that the loss of human life is abhorred by Judaism. This is clearly evident by the fact that the law “Thou Shalt Not Kill!” is included amongst the Ten Commandments, alongside other commandments fundamental to Judaism such as ‘I am your G-d,’ and ‘You shall have no other gods.’

The extent of this distaste for the loss of human life is demonstrated at the Passover Seder, a service whose sole purpose is to celebrate the liberation of the Jewish nation from extreme persecution and slavery in Egypt. During the Seder, there is a segment where we thank G-d for inflicting upon our former captors ten plagues which subsequently resulted in our liberation. Even as we thank G-d for the salvation that was facilitated by these plagues, we pour ten sips of wine out of our cups and dispose of the wine – despite the strict prohibition against any wasting of food or drink. We waste one sip of wine to mourn the loss of life and suffering of our tormentors and captors resulting from each plague.

Suffering and loss of life are always undesirable, and we simultaneously thank G-d for our salvation and mourne the distasteful but necessary ‘evil’ that was a prerequisite to achieving the ends.

I sincerely hope that the opinion represented by all the pro-war comments to the previous post is:
The loss of any life is wholly undesirable; and it is always, with out a shadow of a doubt, preferable to avoid war wherever possible. However, unfortunate circumstances have demanded that in order to protect the lives of our people, we have no choice but to be fighting this war, as our people will continue to be attacked, maimed, and killed, until the threat is neutralised. The war is unfortunate, but fighting it is the right decision.

Stop The Carnage In Eretz Yisroel!!!

There is only one way to make the carnage stop: To enlist Hashem Yisborech to put an end to it!

Without knowing the reason, or trying to justify it, the bottom line is that Hashem is allowing this to happen by choice.

Yidden are never subject to nature, but always only to Hashgocho Prottis. THIS IS REAL!!
It is not some eloquent theoretical statement that is designed to allow people to bury their heads in the sand, and feel comfortable in their frumkeit.

Billam knew it!
Haman knew it!
Esther knew it!

Billam knew he could not hurt the Jews against Hashem’s will, so he appealed to our lust making us turn Hashem against ourselves, and he nearly wiped us out! (B”H for Pinchas)

Haman knew it too, so he appealed to our burning desire to fit in with the Goyim, giving us a chance to assimilate at a meal that we thoroughly enjoyed. Once again we turned Hashem against ourselves, and Haman nearly managed to wipe us out despite the fact that a frum lady was the queen of the entire known world!

Boruch Hashem for Esther. As the queen of Achashverosh, Esther knew she was a fitting vessel to enact the salvation of the Jews on Hashem’s behalf, but she did not confuse the vessel with the source of the salvation. The only reason Achashverosh chose her as his queen was for her physical beauty, yet Esther fasted for three days before going to see him. Having seen people at the end of Tisha Be’Av, imagine how she looked after seventy two hours of continuous fasting!

Esther went in to Achashverosh, uninvited, looking her worst, and he was not impressed. Yet his scepter was raised, and she lived; subsequently saving the entire Jewish nation from the worst decree we have ever experienced.

What Esther understood, was that our salvation was directly and entirely dependant on Hashem. Teshuvah, Tefillah , and Tzedakah, are the only things we can do to save ourselves.

We have an entire army of young Jewish people literally putting their lives on the line, getting kidnapped, tortured, and being killed, to make a vessel for Hashem's Salvation. We have to fill the vessel!

WE HAVE TO MAKE HASHEM MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

PLEASE! Do not let Jewish blood go to waste making an empty vessel!

Daven!
Give Tzedakah!
Do Teshuvah!
Don't just sit down for a minute and tell Hshem you’re sorry. Re-connect. Get back in touch. (see the current week’s Tanya portions to find out how).

(Partially sourced from likuttei Sichos, Chelek Alef. pp 213-217)