Platonic Relationships

Stimulus:

A blog discussion about platonic inter-gender relationships where arguments were made based on the following quotes:

“V’al tarbeh sichah im ha’isha” (Pirkei Avos 1,5)

“And do not engage in excessive conversation with the woman”

“Vehamistakel afillu b’etzbah ketanah shel isha”(Even Ha’ezer 21,1)

(A prohibition against) “One who looks even at the little finger of a woman”

My Take:

Quotes in general, and particularly from Torah, must remain in context. The stipulation that a man may not look even at a woman's little finger is qualified as applying specifically when looking would be associated with carnal pleasure.

The fact is that members of both genders are permitted to be in public, and men are not required to wear blindfolds. If however a man is particularly sensitive to the sight of any part of a woman’s body, he is obligated to avoid any such exposure.

The abovementioned Mishnah clearly forbids excessive conversation between men and women, but do keep in mind that "Excessive conversation" is relative. Perhaps a reason for the ambiguity is that the exact location where the line must be drawn is variable for different individuals. Whilst a halachah may not be dismissed because one feels they are above it or that the reason does not apply to them, when a halachah is stated ambiguously lechatchilah, the halachah itself is leaving room for interpretation based on personal standing. This interpretation requires extreme caution and absolute honesty with one's self, combined with direction from a reliable Rav or Mashpiah.

Shulchan aruch states: "Tzarich Ha'adam l'hisrachek me'hanashim meod meod" (Even Ha'ezer 21,1). The shulchan aruch continues to list things that are forbidden under the umbrella of this halacha and includes 'flirting.' It does not forbid merely talking to a woman, nor does it forbid being polite or greeting a neighbor.

Consider a scenario where one knows of a mixed Jewish social event where there will be a large number of young adults who may be receptive to inspirational divrei Torah, but as of yet there are none planned and the event is purely social. I do not think it would be out of place for an individual who is comfortable that they will not suffer any downfalls as a result of attending the event, to go and present divrei Torah.

Of course it is necessary that the individual be absolutely certain in their belief that they are strong enough, and have the approval of their Rav or Mashpiah. But if one is honestly certain; is it in the best interest of avodas Hashem to have all the Yidden at the event miss out on divrei Torah and eat from zivchei mesim - the sacrifices of idols (Pirkei Avos 3,3) ? **

In the order of the world we currently live in, to spread the light of Torah and increase the volume of Torah and Mitzvos being observed, it is at times necessary that one interact with members of the opposite gender -obviously within the boundaries of halacha.

In a personal inter-gender relationship where there is no specific avodas Hashem-related intention, one has to ask themselves why they are entering into it, platonic or not. After all it does say in shulchan aruch that man must distance himself from woman very very much.

**Care must be taken that one is not providing an excuse for an unsanctioned event by presenting divrei Torah. There have been precarious scenarios where anti-religious organizations may have used the presence of divrei Torah to support their competition with frum organizations.

Above Nature??!!

Comment:

All this stuff about Jews being above nature is nice but, "at the end of the day we live in a natural world. hashem subjected us to nature."

Response:

Nature is a creation G-d uses to mask His active role in our day to day lives. The purpose of this creation is that we should live in a natural world where Hashem has committed us to a lifetime of circumstances that are subject to nature, hence there is a prohibition against relying on miracles. Given that nature is a creation and the Jewish people (individually and collectively) have a direct personal connection to its Creator, for a Jew ‘laws of nature’ exist only in the context that laws were made to be broken.

The only thing preventing the realisation of ends that may be unlikely or even impossible according to nature, is a lack of desire for such an occurrence on the part of nature’s Creator. Our live connection to the Almighty who is continuously controlling nature, gives us the ability to request and achieve things that would not usually occur within the confines of the creation called nature. All it takes is to arouse within the Creator a desire to provide what we want/need.

As Hashem’s children, our desires are His desires as long as we ensure that His disposition towards us is favourable. When we are not in His ‘good books,’ we end up in perilous situations where for the sake of our people, we require Him to change the course of nature as He has graciously done for us many times in the past. We just need to re-align his desire with ours.

U’Teshuvah U’Tefillah U’Tzedakah Ma’avirin Es Roa Hagezairah

But Repentance, Prayer, and Charity avert the severity of the decree!!

Going on a Shidduch Date to be Nice??!!

I came across a blog discussion on the topic of shidduchim. The discussion was about being picky, and one blogger wrote:

"I personaly know some guys who have went out when they knew it was not nogeia and did it not to insult the girl."


It sounds very nice, BUT:

By declining an offer to go out with a girl, you may indeed be hurting her feelings, and that is unfortunate. But by going out with a girl you have no intention of taking seriously, you are not being nice!!


Aside from the fact that it is geneyvas daas, and the fact that you are wasting her time; you are risking getting her emotionally involved before you go on to reject her anyway. Even if she does not get emotionally involved, you are getting her expectations up before you go on to reject her anyway as you planned to all along. Either way, your agreeing to go out with her has served only to enhance the discomfort that she is going to feel when you decline to see her further.

If you have no intentions of taking an offer seriously, potentially to the end, you are doing the girl a favor by declining the offer.

Need War? -Response to Comment Re: Previous Post -" Stop The Carnage In Eretz Yisroel!!!"

Comment:
"we need war? are you normal? we are talking about LIVES here! HUMAN LIVES!!! there is never an excuse to take away a life - isnt that what you religious people belive?"

Response:
You are absolutely right that the loss of human life is abhorred by Judaism. This is clearly evident by the fact that the law “Thou Shalt Not Kill!” is included amongst the Ten Commandments, alongside other commandments fundamental to Judaism such as ‘I am your G-d,’ and ‘You shall have no other gods.’

The extent of this distaste for the loss of human life is demonstrated at the Passover Seder, a service whose sole purpose is to celebrate the liberation of the Jewish nation from extreme persecution and slavery in Egypt. During the Seder, there is a segment where we thank G-d for inflicting upon our former captors ten plagues which subsequently resulted in our liberation. Even as we thank G-d for the salvation that was facilitated by these plagues, we pour ten sips of wine out of our cups and dispose of the wine – despite the strict prohibition against any wasting of food or drink. We waste one sip of wine to mourn the loss of life and suffering of our tormentors and captors resulting from each plague.

Suffering and loss of life are always undesirable, and we simultaneously thank G-d for our salvation and mourne the distasteful but necessary ‘evil’ that was a prerequisite to achieving the ends.

I sincerely hope that the opinion represented by all the pro-war comments to the previous post is:
The loss of any life is wholly undesirable; and it is always, with out a shadow of a doubt, preferable to avoid war wherever possible. However, unfortunate circumstances have demanded that in order to protect the lives of our people, we have no choice but to be fighting this war, as our people will continue to be attacked, maimed, and killed, until the threat is neutralised. The war is unfortunate, but fighting it is the right decision.

Stop The Carnage In Eretz Yisroel!!!

There is only one way to make the carnage stop: To enlist Hashem Yisborech to put an end to it!

Without knowing the reason, or trying to justify it, the bottom line is that Hashem is allowing this to happen by choice.

Yidden are never subject to nature, but always only to Hashgocho Prottis. THIS IS REAL!!
It is not some eloquent theoretical statement that is designed to allow people to bury their heads in the sand, and feel comfortable in their frumkeit.

Billam knew it!
Haman knew it!
Esther knew it!

Billam knew he could not hurt the Jews against Hashem’s will, so he appealed to our lust making us turn Hashem against ourselves, and he nearly wiped us out! (B”H for Pinchas)

Haman knew it too, so he appealed to our burning desire to fit in with the Goyim, giving us a chance to assimilate at a meal that we thoroughly enjoyed. Once again we turned Hashem against ourselves, and Haman nearly managed to wipe us out despite the fact that a frum lady was the queen of the entire known world!

Boruch Hashem for Esther. As the queen of Achashverosh, Esther knew she was a fitting vessel to enact the salvation of the Jews on Hashem’s behalf, but she did not confuse the vessel with the source of the salvation. The only reason Achashverosh chose her as his queen was for her physical beauty, yet Esther fasted for three days before going to see him. Having seen people at the end of Tisha Be’Av, imagine how she looked after seventy two hours of continuous fasting!

Esther went in to Achashverosh, uninvited, looking her worst, and he was not impressed. Yet his scepter was raised, and she lived; subsequently saving the entire Jewish nation from the worst decree we have ever experienced.

What Esther understood, was that our salvation was directly and entirely dependant on Hashem. Teshuvah, Tefillah , and Tzedakah, are the only things we can do to save ourselves.

We have an entire army of young Jewish people literally putting their lives on the line, getting kidnapped, tortured, and being killed, to make a vessel for Hashem's Salvation. We have to fill the vessel!

WE HAVE TO MAKE HASHEM MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

PLEASE! Do not let Jewish blood go to waste making an empty vessel!

Daven!
Give Tzedakah!
Do Teshuvah!
Don't just sit down for a minute and tell Hshem you’re sorry. Re-connect. Get back in touch. (see the current week’s Tanya portions to find out how).

(Partially sourced from likuttei Sichos, Chelek Alef. pp 213-217)

Laying Blame! - Response to a Complaint by a Bochur on Shlichus

Complaint:
How can parents be upset that we (bochurim on shlichus) are bad examples for their children? It is their job to bring up their children!

Response:
In terms of the role of parents, you are certainly correct that it is their responsibility to teach by example 24/7. The primary behavioural examples children look to (at least as young children) are their parents. Children are very observant, and every single thing a parent does is percieved (even if only sub-conciously) as a form of instruction; and it is unrealistic to expect that a child listen to a verbal instruction that contradicts the continuous instruction they have been recieving their entire life. Other factors can interfere, but in the rare scenario where parents are completely consistent in everything they stand for from their behaviour to their verbal instructions, it is much less likely that children will dissappoint their parents.

Laying blame is a common behaviour in all ascpects of life, and parents will often blame the behaviour of their children on other influencing factors including people they see as bad examples, where they themselves are far from being the examples they sould, BUT.....

Where a child's behavioral instruction is primarily the responsibility of the parents, that does not relieve other people from the responsibility to be the best example they can. A doctor can not be careless in treatment of a malnourished child just because the malnutrition is a direct result of the parents poor behaviour and lack of dedication to that child (even in a case where this is true). Neither can a shliach of the Rebbe watch Hashem's children miss out on proper instruction, just because parents didn't provide it when they should have. Shluchim of the Rebbe -be they only young bachelors, have the ability to teach by example and maybe fill the void left by a parent's inconsistencies. That is why the Rebbe sends shluuchim. There is no way that the Rebbe would spend so much yiddishe gelt sending young adults all over the world so that they do what suits them, and not bother to go out of their way to help a yiddishe child in need of a good example. Shlichus is the Rebbe's work. The Rebbe's work IS helping another jew despite the fact that his situation is not your fault. And the Rebbe's work demands making the supreme effort to behave appropriately even though it is not easy. Being a shliach makes it your responsibility!